Drowning
by RazzleJazzle21
Summary: "-that feeling that had been steadily growing deep inside his chest to the point that he was starting to feel like he was drowning…drowning and desperately trying to keep himself afloat and not let all these feelings of sadness, worthlessness and insecurity suffocate him." Justin Angst.
1. Chapter 1

Justin couldn't even keep track of the amount of time's he's walked out of the loft the last few months, each moment…each event that pushed him beyond his ability to fake it with that Sunshine smile of his killed him just a little more. Yet every time he came back, after an hour or two claiming he just needed some 'fresh air' he'd walk back through the door and pretend he everything was alright…but it wasn't. It never was.

_*Flashback*  
_  
_Justin stared blankly at the hustler spread out on the bed wearing nothing but a bright red bow over his freaking dick. His 'birthday present' apparently, he heard Brian say something about the guy resembling some underwear model he liked and asking if he liked his present and for a moment he just continued to stare… almost hoping that if he looked long enough the image in front of him would change. It's amazing how in just a few moments he could go from happy and excited at the idea that Brian actually did something for his birthday… to wondering why he even let himself get his hopes up anymore, what was the point? How many times could he be forcibly reminded of how little Brian actually cared about him despite how much he kept trying to convince himself it wasn't true? He felt Brian attempt to nudge him towards the bed and snap him out of his thoughts, in response however Justin turned around and maneuvered himself out of Brian's grasp silently walking back into the living room. He heard Brian say his name questioningly and ignored him, he picks up his jacket and shrugged it on reaching out to grab his key's and made his way out of the loft shutting the door behind him without so much as looking at his…whatever the hell Brian was to him._

He shoved his hands in his pockets once he was out of the building and just started walking, aimlessly. He didn't feel like talking to anyone at the moment meaning the diner was out of the question…hell the last person he wanted to see right now was Michael, who would do nothing but gleefully remind him of how little he was worth; as if he could forget? Debbie's house, his moms, Daphne's, and even Mel and Lindsey's…none of them where options right now, because as much as they all cared about him? They couldn't help him …they'd start on the anti-Brian rants, the 'I told you so' remarks; the 'poor pitiful sunshine' stares. It wouldn't change anything, wouldn't make him feel any better, and wouldn't stop that feeling that had been steadily growing deep inside his chest to the point that he's starting to feel like he's drowning…drowning and desperately trying to keep himself afloat and not let all these feelings of sadness, worthlessness and insecurity suffocate him.  
  
*End Flashback*

It had been a gradual feeling. That seemed to grow just a little more every day.

He'd gone from happily bragging to Daphne about how amazing his and Brian's 'relationship' was. How he was actually enough for Brian to ignore that stupid zucchini guy at the super market…imagine how freaking stupid he felt to be proved wrong with his best friend right next to him to witness his harsh slap of humiliation. Brian knew he had been on his way to the loft with Daphne in tow, he knew that Justin would see him the minute he opened the door…he just didn't care. He told Justin that the zucchini guy didn't matter, didn't mean anything…that he didn't even remember him. But Justin couldn't help but think…why would Brian purposely go out of his way to hurt and humiliate him with someone he didn't give a shit about, if that were the case it was almost worse, Brian had done it purposely for the sake of fucking someone and hurting Justin just because he _could_.

Then, the next day…being in the amazing emotional state he was already in, he got to listen to Michael explain to him about how the only reason he was even staying with Brian was because he felt bad about him being bashed. Just like that the sinking feeling began. He tried to ignore it but eventually caved and asked Brian upfront…why was he there? Was it just because he got bashed? It wasn't exactly Brian's fault that Justin didn't get the answer he wanted…or an answer at all.

Sure they'd 'talked' since then. He probably came as close as he ever would come to hearing Brian admit that he actually cared about him. They came up with the so called 'rules' that they both agreed to…despite just how much Justin hated them. He convinced himself that having a part of Brian was better than having none of him. Convinced himself that Brian did love him and that someday he would actually be enough for him, that he really did matter, it would just take time. But no matter how many times he told himself it would 'just take time'…told himself that he could handle it, he could handle the feelings of let down and disappointment. Even if he knew it was a lie.

It didn't take long for Brian's next grand gesture of just how little Justin mattered to him to show up. Justin had once again forgotten that any time he got his hopes up they were bound to crash and burn quickly. The trip to Vermont… Justin could understand that work was important, he could understand that things came up and plans change…what he didn't understand was Brian going about telling him the way he did, or not even bothering to kiss him goodbye before he left…not bothering to call or text Justin once.

Then his little 'ventriloquist' act as Brian called it when he'd come back from his trip to Vermont alone. His depressed one sided conversation that seemed to not even partially get through to Brian that he wasn't okay. 'It's one way to hear what you want' he'd said, and really how much clearer could he be? As always Brian had the same response as he always did, ignore it and fuck as if that solved everything. Would it have killed him to just say 'I missed you'?

Obviously, after all…what was Justin to him except the trick that wouldn't go away?

He got to the point that he actually was begging Brian to just stay home for once…to spend the night with just him, only to get shut down and rejected over and over. With each rejection came another wave of emotion slamming back into him. He needed to accept it, he'd never be enough for Brian, and he'd never be a good enough reason to stay home. He was like some pathetic little puppy begging for scraps at his master's feet, grateful for anything that was thrown his way.

He tried to be okay with it, he honestly did. He'd tried desperately to convince himself that he could be happy with the way things were, in the fucked up non relationship they had. But he couldn't do this anymore. It was killing him, little by little he was breaking down and he just didn't know if he had anything left to give at this point.

He ended up walking around till almost one in the morning before he even realized it was dark out and he should head back, part of him wondered if Brian was even home at the moment…for all he knew he went to Babylon and picked up some trick to bring back home and fuck in their bed. He reached into his pocket and turned his cell phone back on and immediately it started buzzing with the incoming messages.

_'What the fuck just happened? Where are you going?'-Brian_

'Seriously Sunshine stop being such a twat and come back to the loft'-Brian

'Can you take a two second break from your little queen out to fucking answer your phone?'-Brian

'Justin will you just answer your fucking phone?'-Brian

'If you think I'm going to go out looking for you, you are sadly mistaken'-Brian

'Okay so you're apparently not at the diner, or Deb's or Daphne's or even your mother's house so can you at least let me know where the fuck you've been for the last 6 hours and if you're okay?'-Brian

'Justin, Brian is looking for you…I don't know what happened between you two or why you took off but could you call or text him or any of us so we know you're okay?'-Daphne

'Christ Sunshine…look if you're pissed at me then fine but it's after 11pm and it's raining…no one has heard from you and I'm starting to think something happened, can you just…tell me you're safe at least?'-Brian

'for fucks sake Justin! What is the point of having a fucking cellphone if you aren't going to fucking answer it?'-Brian

'Justin…will you just come home?' -Brian

His brows were furrowed in surprise, it actually sounded like Brian was worried about him. He opened up an outgoing text.

_'Hey, I didn't realize my phone was off. I'm fine, sorry I worried you. I'm on my way back.'-Sunshine_

Not even a minute after he sent the text his phone started ringing and Brian's name flashed across the screen. Justin sighed heavily and mentally prepared himself before answering.

'Hey' he said quietly  
'Where are you? I'm coming to pick you up' Brian's voice came through the line and Justin couldn't understand the tone or emotion in his voice.

'It's alright Brian you don't have to come pick me up, I'm not that far' he tried to say but Brian cut him off

'Just tell me where you are, I'm already in the car'

'I'm down the street from Woody's'

'Go inside, get out of the rain. I'll be there soon.'

'Yea okay.'

*click*

He walked into the bar and sat down rubbing his face tiredly. Obviously Brian was pissed at him for taking off and not answering his phone, which he admits wasn't exactly the most 'responsible' thing he'd done. He couldn't even believe he'd been gone so long. He'd walked around for almost 9 hours as if he were in some sort of trance, even now he was just realizing that his legs were stiff from his aimless wandering. He pulled the silver napkin dispenser closer and looked at his reflection and barely refrained a groan when he saw his reflection staring back at him. Slightly puffy, blood shot eyes, with his hair wet and plastered down due to the rain, his lips had an almost purplish hue to them making him reach up to rub them and realize they were freezing and more than a little numb. How did he not realize how freezing he was? He didn't even remember crying.

"Justin?" he heard a voice call behind him

He turned and kept his eyes on the floor "Hey, ready to go?"

"Justin…"Brian said quietly and reached out to nudge Justin's face up to meet his, he ran his eyes over his lovers face before letting out a heavy sigh.

"Come on Sunshine, let's go home"

Home. Right.

Home is where the heart is remember? Or in his case, maybe not.__

* * *

A/N: I haven't decided if this is a one shot yet or not. I may continue it as some point if enough people request it.


	2. Chapter 2

This is RazzleJazzle's Brother, my sister wants to apologize for not being able to write the last few months. We discovered the problems with her wrist turned out to be Nerve Damage and when her other wrist started acting up along with her neck they are now looking into the possibility of double crush syndrome. Essentially that means there is nerve compression at more than one site, so just treating or having surgery on her wrists wont fix the problem. There's a chance she will need surgery on her spine and will be having tests to find out. She is not giving up on anything, she is just taking what she called a 'medical leave of absence from writing' since she cant exactly do it with either hand and apparently didn't appreciate my idea to type with her nose. Her health has really taken a dive this last year and she has a group of doctors working to try and pin point all the different medical problems she has and figure out how to either fix it, or make it bearable for her. So please just be patient and know that she hasn't given up or quick on anything, If it was up to her she'd be typing up a storm like normal but it's just not possible for her right now. Everything going on has really overwhelmed her and it's been hard dealing with all of this, I know she appreciates the support she's been given for her stories and the words of encouragement means the world to her, so thank you from the both of us for being one of the only reasons she gets a real smile anymore ( I read her the review updates when she's resting after physical therapy sometimes) Please keep her in your thoughts and cross your fingers that things get better for her, it's hard for us all to see her suffering like this.

Thank you.


End file.
